‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...
‫- MY LIFE WAS FULL ‫OF UNEXPECTED CHOICES.
‫- WE'VE DECIDED
‫NOT TO LET A GIRL ‫COME BETWEEN US.
‫- SO YOU NEED TO CHOOSE, ‫HIM OR ME.
‫- YOU SHOULD ‫DATE EACH OTHER.
‫BUT SOMEONE HAD TO WIN, ‫SOMEONE HAD TO LOSE,
‫AND I WAS STILL ‫LEFT TO CHOOSE.
‫- I USED TO THINK ‫BEING IN LOVE
‫WITH TWO PEOPLE AT ONCE ‫ONLY HAPPENED ON REALITY SHOWS,
‫WHERE FINDING A SOUL MATE ‫WAS NUDGED ALONG
‫BY A DOZEN ROSES, ‫A CHEESE-TASTIC HOST,
‫AND A CAMERA CREW ‫UP YOUR ASS.
‫I NEVER BOUGHT THAT ‫BOGUS B.S.--
‫UNTIL IT HAPPENED TO ME.
‫I DIDN'T HAVE TO CHOOSE ‫BETWEEN MATTY OR JAKE,
‫BUT I WANTED TO.
‫WHEN IT CAME TO LIFE-ALTERING ‫DECISIONS,
‫I RESORTED TO MY GO-TO ‫METHOD OF PROBLEM SOLVING--
‫BLOGGING IT OUT.
‫[computer beeps]
‫"PICK MATTY." ‫"PICK JAKE."
‫"MATTY IS THE ONLY CHOICE."
‫"JAKE IS AWESOMETOWN."
‫TURNS OUT, MY READERS ‫WERE AS CONFUSED AS I WAS.
‫[computer beeps] ‫"GET OVER IT."
‫"PICK A GUY ALREADY." ‫"TEAM MATTY."
‫"TEAM JAKE. ‫TEAM--JONAH?
‫"WE HAVE THIRD PERIOD ‫TOGETHER.
‫I'M THE ONE ‫WITH THE JEW 'FRO."
‫OH.
‫IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE ‫TO THINK
‫WITH THE PEANUT GALLERY ‫CHIMING IN.
‫HOW COULD I POSSIBLY ‫BLOG MY WAY TO AN ANSWER
‫IF I COULDN'T ‫WRITE MY TRUTH?
‫UNLESS--
‫I TRIED MY HAND ‫AT FICTION.
‫IT WAS THE SIX MONTH ‫ANNIVERSARY
‫OF THE FIRST TRYST ‫IN THE UTILITY CLOSET,
‫AND JENNA COULDN'T ‫STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
‫THOSE ILL-FITTING ‫CAMP SHIRTS,
‫THE FILTHY SPACE, ‫THE COLD, DANK FLOOR--
‫IT WAS THE MOST ROMANTIC ‫THREE MINUTES OF HER LIFE.
‫JOLTED BY A RUSH OF COLD ‫WAFTING OFF
‫MATTY'S SUB-ZERO SKIN,
‫JENNA COULDN'T HELP ‫BUT CONSIDER,
‫SHOULD SHE FINALLY ‫LET HIM TURN HER
‫SO THEY COULD ‫SPEND ETERNITY TOGETHER?
‫DO YOU KNOW ‫WHAT TODAY IS?
‫- TUESDAY.
‫- HE DIDN'T REMEMBER.
‫JENNA WAS CRUSHED.
‫SHE DIDN'T REALIZE THE UNDEAD ‫COULD SUCK SO HARD.
‫- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
‫- HE'LL NEVER BE ABLE ‫TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED.
‫BUT I CAN.
‫- BUT SHE COULDN'T ‫DISCOUNT JAKE,
‫WHO SHE OCCASIONALLY ‫REFERRED TO AS JACOB.
‫SEXY IN HIS OWN RIGHT ‫AND AN AMAZING KISSER,
‫JENNA COULD ONLY IMAGINE ‫HOW THEIR SEX WOULD BE.
‫SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD ‫BE HOT.
‫FOR REAL, JAKE'S BODY TEMP ‫HOVERED AROUND 150.
‫[computer beeps]
‫MY BRIEF FORAY ‫INTO FICTION
‫LEAD ME TO ONE ‫OBVIOUS CONCLUSION--
‫I WAS A HACK.
‫SO I WASN'T ALL THAT GREAT
‫WHEN LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES.
‫WHAT I NEEDED WAS A PUSH ‫IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION,
‫OR ANY DIRECTION.
‫BECAUSE I WAS LOST, ‫IN LOVE.
‫WHENEVER I LOST MY KEYS, ‫WHICH HAPPENED A LOT,
‫I RETRACED MY STEPS.
‫MAYBE I NEEDED ‫TO RETRACE MY PAST
‫TO FIGURE OUT MY FUTURE.
‫- "IF YOU HAD A DO-OVER ‫WITH MATTY,
‫HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE IT?"
‫A DO-OVER--IT WAS ‫AN INTERESTING CONCEPT.
‫AND I KNEW EXACTLY ‫WHAT I WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY.
‫[techno music]
‫- I WAS AFRAID ‫YOU WEREN'T GONNA SHOW.
‫- WAIT, I'M NOT GOING IN THERE. ‫- WHY NOT?
‫- BECAUSE IF I DO, ‫WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX.
‫AND I'LL BE TOTALLY ‫INTO YOU,
‫AND YOU'LL IGNORE ME, ‫AND I'M NOT COOL WITH THAT.
‫SO IF YOU WANNA ‫GET TO KNOW ME,
‫ASK ME OUT.
‫[acoustic guitar music]
‫- * WHEN WE MEET AGAIN
‫* MY BONES WILL ACHE
‫- DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME ‫YELLING AT YOU
‫TO COME GET YOUR CLOTHES ‫WHEN YOU CAME IN?
‫- YEAH, I HEARD YOU.
‫I JUST DIDN'T ‫FEEL LIKE DOING IT.
‫- WATCH YOUR TONE, ‫YOUNG LADY,
‫OR YOU CAN START ‫DOING YOUR OWN LAUNDRY.
‫THIS LETTER CAME FOR YOU.
‫I'LL TAKE THE CLOTHES, ‫BUT--
‫YOU MIGHT WANNA ‫RETHINK THAT.
‫[school bell rings]
‫- GUYS, THIS IS JENNA.
‫- HEY.
‫- SIT NEXT TO ME.
‫JENNA, YOU WOULD LOOK SO PRETTY ‫WITH A MAKEOVER.
‫- OH, DAMN, IS IT ‫"BRING A FREAK TO LUNCH" DAY?
‫I TOTALLY FORGOT MINE.
‫- BACK OFF, SADIE.
‫JENNA AND I ‫ARE TOGETHER NOW.
‫- WE ARE?
‫- I HOPE SO. ‫[chuckles]
‫- SPOILER ALERT, ‫YOU WON'T LAST THE WEEK.
‫SO FORGIVE ME IF I DON'T ‫COMMIT YOUR NAME TO MEMORY.
‫YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫- LIKE A HUNGRY COYOTE,
‫SADIE PREYED ON ‫THE WEAK AND WOUNDED.
‫IF SHOWED ANY FEAR AT ALL,
‫SHE'D SPEND THE REST OF THE YEAR ‫EATING ME ALIVE.
‫WELL, I ALREADY KNOW ‫YOUR NAME.
‫IT'S SADIE SUCKS-TON, ‫RIGHT?
‫- [chuckles]
‫- [laughs] ‫- SORRY.
‫I'M NOT SORRY.
‫- YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH.
‫I LIKE YOU.
‫[laid-back music]
‫- SO, "J", ARE YOU ‫HANGING WITH US TODAY,
‫OR ARE YOU EATING ‫AT THE V.I.P. TABLE?
‫IT'S BEEN, LIKE, A WEEK.
‫- WELL, I'D RATHER ‫EAT WITH YOU GUYS,
‫BUT I DON'T WANNA ‫HURT MATTY'S FEELINGS.
‫- WHAT ABOUT OUR FEELINGS? ‫- COME ON, GUYS.
‫IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GONNA ‫BE BFFs WITH SADIE
‫AND BECOME POPULAR ‫OVERNIGHT.
‫[techno music]
‫- * COME WITH ME ‫COME WITH ME *
‫- WHERE'D YOU SCORE ‫THE LACTOIDS, HAMILTON--
‫SUDDEN GROWN SPURT ‫OR CUTLETS?
‫- I GOT A BOOB JOB. ‫- OVERNIGHT?
‫- I HEAL FAST.
‫- DO YOU THINK ‫I SHOULD GET IMPLANTS?
‫- MAYBE JUST A LIFT.
‫- AND A NIPPLE REDUCTION.
‫- HAMILTON, ‫CAN WE SIDEBAR?
‫- ISN'T IT OBVI ‫SHE'S MOVED ON?
‫SO FEEL FREE TO RESUME YOUR LIFE ‫ON THE D-LIST WITHOUT HER.
‫YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫- COME ON, SADIE.
‫TO JOIN THE MOB, ‫YOU PROVED YOUR LOYALTY
‫BY MAKING YOUR FIRST KILL.
‫TO STAY POPULAR, I HAD ‫TO SACRIFICE MY FRIENDSHIPS.
‫THEY'RE NOT D-LISTERS--
‫UNLESS YOU GRADE ON A CURVE
‫THE SIZE OF HER SHELF-BUTT.
‫[laughter]
‫SORRY. ‫I'M NOT SORRY.
‫AND JUST LIKE THAT, ‫I WAS MADE.
‫- NICE WHORE-DROBE, ‫SKANKSQUATCH.
‫- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME ‫YOU'VE COME UP
‫ON MY RADAR, ‫MISS HAMILTON,
‫AND I HOPE ‫IT'S THE LAST.
‫[cell phone chimes] ‫- YEAH, ME TOO.
‫WHY AM I HERE?
‫- BECAUSE I DIDN'T LIKE ‫MEAN GIRLS
‫WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
‫AND I DON'T ‫CARE FOR THEM NOW.
‫- IF YOU'RE CALLING ME ‫A MEAN GIRL,
‫YOU BETTER HAVE THE PROOF ‫TO BACK IT UP.
‫BECAUSE THE WAY I SEE IT, ‫THAT'S SLANDER.
‫- OH, NO. ‫NO, NO, NO.
‫I WASN'T IMPLYING THAT.
‫I MEANT THAT AS A POPULAR,
‫ENVIED STUDENT ‫WITH GOOD HAIR
‫AND A GREAT ‫SET OF BAZOOMS,
‫YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY ‫TO USE YOUR POWER FOR GOOD.
‫- OKAY, VAL, ‫WHY DON'T I START WITH YOU?
‫UNLESS YOU KEEP A LID ‫ON THE CRAZY
‫AND STOP DRESSING ‫LIKE A WALMART GREETER,
‫THE ONLY ACTION ‫YOU'RE EVER GONNA GET
‫IS YOUR ANNUAL VISIT ‫TO THE GYNO.
‫SORRY. ‫I'M NOT SORRY.
‫[rock music]
‫WHENEVER PEEPS BITCHED ‫ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL
‫BEING THE MOST PAINFUL ‫TIME OF THEIR LIVES,
‫I ALWAYS ASSUMED ‫THEY WERE LOSERS.
‫BECAUSE I WAS HALFWAY ‫THROUGH SOPHOMORE YEAR
‫AND I WAS KILLING IT.
‫EVERY GIRL WANTED ‫TO BE AND
‫EVERY GUY WANTED TO BONE-- ‫EXCEPT THE GAY ONES,
‫WHO STILL WANTED ‫TO SEE MY BOOBS.
‫BUT EVEN THOUGH ‫MY LIFE WAS PERFECT,
‫I COULDN'T HELP BY WONDER
‫WHY THE HELL ‫WAS I WASTING TIME
‫RECOUNTING EVERY LITTLE THING ‫THAT HAPPENED TO ME
‫ON SOME LAME BLOG?
‫BLOGGING WAS STUPID.
‫- HEY, PRETTY GIRL.
‫I NEED YOUR EXPERT OPINION.
‫WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS ‫FOR THE SOTOS' COCKTAIL PARTY?
‫- ADD EARRINGS. ‫HOOPS, NOT STUDS.
‫CHANGE THE PUMPS. ‫AND YOU MIGHT WANNA
‫THINK ABOUT ‫BUSTING OUT THE SPANX.
‫- OH. ‫THANKS, HONEY.
‫I WOULD BE A MESS ‫WITHOUT YOU.
‫OH, AND THIS LETTER ‫CAME FOR YOU.
‫- CAN YOU READ IT TO ME?
‫MY NAILS ARE STILL WET.
‫- OKAY.
‫"DEAR, JENNA, ‫AS YOU ARE NOW,
‫"YOU ARE--AWESOME!
‫"WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS
‫"HOW PERFECT YOU ARE ‫IN EVERY WAY.
‫"YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL
‫"FOR GIRLS ‫THE WORLD OVER,
‫"BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, ‫SKINNY,
‫"COOL AND STYLISH.
‫"I WOULD NOT CHANGE ‫A SINGLE THING ABOUT YOU.
‫LOVE, MOM."
‫- THANKS, LACE.
‫[knock at door]
‫YOU CAN GO NOW.
‫- OKAY.
‫[door opens]
‫- WOW. ‫YOU LOOK SMOKIN'.
‫- I AM SMOKIN'.
‫- [laughs]
‫I SAW TAMARA AT THE GAME ‫AND SHE ASKED ABOUT YOU.
‫YOU SHOULD REALLY HANG OUT ‫WITH HER SOMETIME.
‫- I CAN'T. ‫SHE'S A DORK.
‫AND I DON'T HAVE ‫THAT LUXURY NOW.
‫AS THE MOST POPULAR GIRL ‫AT PALOS HILLS,
‫IT'S MY JOB TO WORRY ABOUT ‫WHAT EVERYONE THINKS.
‫AND THEY THINK ABOUT ME ‫ALL THE TIME.
‫- WELL, FOR WHATEVER ‫IT'S WORTH,
‫TAMARA MISSES YOU. ‫- SHUT UP.
‫- NO, REALLY, SHE DOES. ‫- NO, REALLY, SHUT UP.
‫MMM.
‫OH, I CAN'T BE HORIZONTAL.
‫I JUST HAD A BLOWOUT.
‫BABE, I JUST GOT LASERED!
‫LAY OFF THE MERCH.
‫I TOLD YOU, ‫THEY HAVE TO SETTLE IN.
‫- IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS.
‫[Bad Feeling ‫by Veronica Falls]
‫- * YOUR FACE ‫IN THE MIRROR *
‫- SO, ARE YOU THINKING
‫LIMO OR TOWN CAR ‫FOR THE DANCE?
‫- I TOLD YOU 20 TIMES,
‫I WANT A BLACK ON BLACK ‫STRETCH LIMO.
‫DO I NEED ‫TO WRITE IT DOWN,
‫OR IS READING AN ISSUE?
‫- DON'T GET MAD AT ME ‫FOR SAYING THIS,
‫BUT SOMEONE HAS TO.
‫JENNA HAMILTON'S ‫A RAGING BITCH.
‫- I KNOW. ‫BUT SHE HASN'T ALWAYS
‫BEEN LIKE THAT, MAN.
‫SHE USED TO BE ‫REALLY COOL.
‫SHE WAS THE FIRST GIRL ‫WHO ACTUALLY LIKED ME FOR ME--
‫OR SO I THOUGHT.
‫- SO THEN WHY DO YOU ‫PUT UP WITH HER CRAP?
‫- I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD ‫SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.
‫I'M SORRY, JENNA, ‫YOU'RE JUST--
‫YOU'RE NOT THE SAME GIRL ‫I MET AT CAMP.
‫YOU CHANGED.
‫AND TO BE HONEST, ‫I'M KINDA INTO SOMEONE ELSE,
‫SOMEONE OFF THE GRID ‫AND--
‫AND NORMAL ‫AND DOWN TO EARTH.
‫- YOU STUPID MORON.
‫YOU CAN'T BREAK UP ‫WITH ME.
‫I'M BREAKING UP ‫WITH YOU.
‫AND FOR THE RECORD, ‫IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU.
‫I DON'T NEED YOU ANYWAY.
‫I COULD HAVE ‫ANYBODY I WANT.
‫I'M JENNA HAMILTON!
‫[screams]
‫SINCE MY DO-OVER FANTASY TURNED ‫OUT TO BE MORE OF A NIGHTMARE,
‫I DECIDED ‫SECOND-GUESSING MYSELF
‫WASN'T THE WAY TO GO.
‫MAYBE I HAD MADE ‫THE RIGHT DECISION
‫TO GO INTO THAT CLOSET ‫WITH MATTY.
‫- "ENOUGH ABOUT MATTY.
‫"I'M PRO JAKE.
‫HOW DID YOU TANK ‫THAT RELATIONSHIP?"
‫THOUGHT THAT WAS ‫PRETTY OBVIOUS.
‫I SHOULD'VE TOLD HIM ‫THE TRUTH ABOUT MATTY
‫FROM THE BEGINNING.
‫BUT I COULDN'T GO BACK ‫TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
‫TO RIGHT THE WRONG-- ‫OR COULD I?
‫STOP.
‫BEFORE YOU KISS ME, ‫YOU SHOULD KNOW.
‫THAT GUY I'VE BEEN ‫UPSET ABOUT,
‫IT ISN'T YOU. ‫IT'S MATTY.
‫I JUST HAD ‫TO LAY IT OUT THERE
‫BEFORE YOU GOT ‫FURTHER INVESTED IN ME
‫AND I GOT INVESTED IN YOU ‫BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T,
‫SOMEONE WOULD'VE ‫GOTTEN HURT--
‫NAMELY YOU, ‫WITH A PUNCH TO THE FACE.
‫SO IF GIVEN THE CHOICE ‫BETWEEN YOU OR MATTY,
‫WHICH NORMALLY I WOULD ‫DEBATE FOR MONTHS,
‫I PICK YOU.
‫- THIS IS A LOT TO PROCESS.
‫- TRUST ME, YOU'LL BE ‫MUCH HAPPIER WITH ME
‫THAN YOU'D EVER BE ‫WITH LISSA.
‫SO I'LL BREAK IT OFF ‫WITH MATTY,
‫YOU GET RID OF LISSA, ‫AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER.
‫- WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
‫I DON'T THINK THAT EITHER ONE ‫OF US HAS BEEN HAPPY.
‫I FEEL LIKE ‫I NEED SOME SPACE.
‫- YOU'RE TRANSFERRING ‫TO ANOTHER SCHOOL?
‫- NO, LISS.
‫I THINK THAT WE SHOULD, ‫YOU KNOW--
‫- BREAK UP. ‫- BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU.
‫- ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER ‫THAN WORDS,
‫WHICH IS WHY I'M GONNA ‫BE DATING YOUR BEST FRIEND.
‫- WHA--?
‫- YEAH.
‫- [exhales]
‫SHOULD WE BE DOING THIS ‫IN YOUR ROOM?
‫- IN MY FANTASY, ‫MY MOM AND DAD
‫WERE OUT OF TOWN... ‫A LOT.
‫MY PARENTS ARE IN-- ‫ARUBA.
‫IT WAS A WIN-WIN ‫FOR EVERYBODY.
‫- COOL.
‫- AHH, YEAH. ‫- AAH.
‫both: AHH. ‫- WAIT, WAIT.
‫- [moans] ‫- OOH, DON'T MOVE.
‫- YEAH.
‫[exhales]
‫OH, MY GOD.
‫- OH, MY GOD.
‫- "T," THE SEX ‫WITH MIND-BLOWING.
‫IT WASN'T JUST ‫A PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE.
‫IT WAS EMOTIONAL ‫AND SPIRITUAL.
‫- THERE WAS ZERO CHEMISTRY.
‫- SORRY, MAN. ‫THAT BLOWS.
‫- I DON'T MEAN ‫TO BE WEIRD,
‫BUT WAS THERE CHEMISTRY ‫WITH YOU AND JENNA
‫THE FIRST TIME? ‫- DEFINITELY.
‫- SO IT IS ME.
‫DAMN IT!
‫MAYBE I SHOULD ‫TRY IT AGAIN.
‫HEY, DO YOU MIND ‫WAITING IN THE CAR?
‫- * OH, I NEED
‫* YOUR BEDROOM EYES
‫* OH, I NEED ‫YOUR BEDROOM EYES *
‫- I WASN'T SURE ‫IF IT WAS EXHAUSTION
‫FROM OUR RECENT ‫BONE-A-THON,
‫BUT JAKE WAS ‫ACTING STRANGE.
‫MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID ‫I WASN'T AS INTO HIM
‫AS HE WAS INTO ME.
‫AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY ‫TO SET HIS MIND AT EASE.
‫I LOVE YOU.
‫- AWESOME.
‫- AWESOME? ‫WHAT WAS THAT?
‫- YOU NEED TO BACK OFF.
‫AS IN, PUT YOUR THING DOWN, ‫FLIP IT, AND REVERSE IT.
‫YOU'RE GONNA ‫SCARE HIM AWAY.
‫- BUT I LOVE HIM.
‫- THAT'S THE SEX TALKING.
‫- YEAH. ‫YOU'RE IN A SEX TRANCE.
‫- NO, I'M NOT.
‫AM I?
‫- YOU WERE SO RIGHT.
‫JAKE'S TOTALLY COOLED IT ‫ON THAT SKITCH.
‫- SO INSTEAD OF LOOKING ‫LIKE AN A-[bleep]
‫BY PUNCHING JENNA ‫IN THE FACE
‫OR PUTTING BLEACH ‫IN HER SHAMPOO...
‫- I WAS JUST SPITBALLING.
‫- YOU'RE IN ‫THE PERFECT POSITION
‫TO SWOOP IN AND ‫WIN HIM BACK.
‫YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫NOW GET IN THERE--
‫AND ACT COOL.
‫- YEAH.
‫- I JUST FEEL LIKE ‫SHE'S SUFFOCATING ME
‫AND I CAN'T EVEN ‫TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.
‫I'M SORRY. ‫IS THIS WEIRD FOR YOU?
‫- NO! I LIKE HEARING ‫ABOUT YOU AND JENNA,
‫ESPECIALLY HOW ‫SHE ANNOYS YOU.
‫- WELL, I PROBABLY ‫SHOULDN'T BE SAYING THIS,
‫BUT I THINK ‫I MADE A MISTAKE.
‫I MISS YOU, LISS.
‫- [squeals] ‫YAY!
‫WE'RE BACK TOGETHER.
‫[giggles]
‫[kissing]
‫- OH, YEAH.
‫- JAKE'S ABOUT ‫TO PUMP AND DUMP YOU.
‫HE'S GETTING BACK TOGETHER ‫WITH DUMB-O.
‫- NO WAY. ‫WE'RE IN LOVE.
‫- YOU'RE IN LOVE. ‫HE'S IN AWESOME.
‫[cell phone chimes]
‫- HE IS DUMPING ME.
‫WHAT DO I DO?
‫- YOU NEED A SEXORCISM. ‫- NO! SAVE FACE.
‫BLINDSIDE HIM ‫WITH A PREEMPTIVE DUMP.
‫- BUT HE'S THE ONE.
‫both: SEX TRANCE.
‫- [exhales] ‫OOH.
‫I HAVE RECEIVED ‫MANY A SIMILAR TEXT.
‫THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, ‫YOU ARE TOAST.
‫- SO HOW DO I KEEP HIM? ‫- WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS.
‫ONE, YOU TATTOO JAKE'S NAME ‫ON YOUR ARM
‫WHERE IT'S VISIBLE ‫TO THE VIEWING PUBLIC.
‫THEN YOU BEG HIM ‫TO STAY TOGETHER.
‫HE'LL SAY YES ‫BECAUSE HE'S A SUCKER.
‫AND THEN, ‫NEVER GET IT REMOVED.
‫OR WE COULD DO IT ‫THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
‫- I'M PREGNANT.
‫[giggling]
‫- [snickering]
‫LOOKS LIKE HISTORY'S ‫REPEATING ITSELF.
‫MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE A GIRL ‫SO YOU CAN
‫PASS ON THE LEGACY ‫OF SLUTITUDE.
‫- JUST BECAUSE JAKE ‫AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER,
‫DOESN'T MEAN I'M GONNA ‫HELP YOU RAISE YOUR BABY.
‫UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, ‫REALLY CUTE.
‫- THIS DAY SUCKS.
‫- WHICH IS WHAT ‫YOU SHOULD'VE DONE
‫SO YOU WOULDN'T ‫BE IN THIS POSITION.
‫- MY ADVICE, GIVE THAT RUGRAT ‫UP FOR ADOPTION.
‫CUTE WHITE BABIES ‫GO FASTER
‫THAN SINGLES ‫AT A [bleep] BAR.
‫- GUYS, I'M STILL ‫EATING FOR ONE.
‫I JUST SAID THAT ‫TO HOLD ON TO JAKE.
‫- YOU WERE TRYING ‫TO TRAP HIM?
‫- [shushes]
‫YOU MAKE IT SOUND ‫SO HORRIBLE.
‫- JENNA, IT IS HORRIBLE.
‫- SO YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT?
‫- SORRY.
‫I JUST DIDN'T ‫WANT TO LOSE YOU.
‫- EVEN IF YOU WERE, ‫WE COULD NEVER BE TOGETHER.
‫I WOULD LOVE ‫THAT REALLY CUTE BABY,
‫BUT I WOULD NEVER ‫LOVE YOU.
‫- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS ‫DOING HERE?
‫SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN ARUBA?
‫- WE SHOULD BE.
‫SEEMS LIKE WE'RE THERE ‫A LOT THESE DAYS.
‫- WE CAME HOME AS SOON ‫AS WE GOT THE NEWS.
‫- I'M NOT PREGNANT.
‫IT WAS A LAST-DITCH EFFORT ‫TO TRY AN KEEP JAKE.
‫- OH, THANK GOD.
‫[laughs]
‫I AM FAR TOO HOT ‫TO BE A GRANDMA.
‫- I DON'T TRUST YOU ‫ANYMORE, JENNA,
‫WHICH IS WHY I NEED YOU ‫TO PEE ON THIS STICK.
‫- [sighs]
‫I CAN'T BELIEVE ‫YOU'RE MAKING ME DO THIS, DAD.
‫I'M SO NOT--
‫PREGNANT?
‫- SWITCH PLACES WITH ME, ‫MAMA BEAR.
‫YOU DON'T NEED ‫TO SEE THAT.
‫- [shudders]
‫DODGED A BULLET.
‫- * UPSIDE DOWN
‫TURNS OUT I COULDN'T TRUST ‫MY INSTINCTS OR MY BLOG,
‫WHICH APPARENTLY WAS HIJACKED ‫BY AN ANGRY MUSE
‫DETERMINED TO SEND ‫MY DO-OVERS OFF THE RAILS.
‫OR WAS GUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY ‫TRYING TO PROTECT ME
‫FROM A MISERABLE FUTURE ‫WITH BOTH GUYS?
‫WHICH MEANT THERE WAS ‫A THIRD PARTY IN THE MIX.
‫I COULD PICK JAKE ‫OR MATTY OR NO ONE.
‫- I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE ‫YOU BLEW OFF CAMP
‫FOR SUMMER SCHOOL. ‫- IT WAS SO WORTH IT.
‫WITH THE EXTRA CREDITS, ‫I CAN GRADUATE EARLY.
‫- WHY WOULD YOU ‫WANNA DO THAT?
‫- BECAUSE NOTHING INTERESTING ‫EVER HAPPENS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫- REALLY, NOT EVEN ‫GETTING DIGITIZED
‫BY RICKY SCHWARTZ ‫IN THE BACK OF THE BUS?
‫- YOU DIRTY LITTLE-- ‫YOU KNOW WHAT.
‫- IF YOU HAD ‫GONE TO CAMP, "J,"
‫MAYBE YOU'D ‫BE A WOMAN OF THE WORLD TOO.
‫MATTY MCKIBBEN WORKED ‫AT CAMP POOKAH THIS SUMMER.
‫- WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS ‫CALL THAT GUY BY HIS FULL NAME?
‫- LIKE MATTY MCKIBBEN ‫WOULD EVER NOTICE ME.
‫- CAMP LEVELS OUT ‫THE PLAYING FIELD.
‫IMAGINE IF YOU GUYS ‫HAD HOOKED UP,
‫OR HAD SEX IN A CLOSET ‫OR SOMETHING.
‫BOY, THIS YEAR ‫WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
‫- ME AND MATTY MCKIBBEN? ‫YEAH, RIGHT.
‫- OH. WHOA.
‫I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
‫- THAT'S OKAY.
‫- MISSED ONE.
‫- WITHOUT SO MUCH ‫AS A FLIRTATIOUS WINK
‫FROM MATTY OR A COY SMILE ‫FROM JAKE,
‫THE BOYS WALKED OFF ‫WITH THEIR GIRLS,
‫NEVER EVEN BOTHERING ‫TO ASK JENNA'S NAME.
‫[indistinct chatter]
‫- ISN'T IT GREAT ‫THAT MATTY AND JAKE
‫FINALLY ‫CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET?
‫WHAT I DISCOVERED ON MY JOURNEY ‫INTO THE WORLD OF FICTION.
‫ONE, THERE WAS NO POINT ‫IN HOPING FOR A DO-OVER,
‫BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY SUCKED ‫MORE THAN THE REALITY.
‫TWO, I DID NOT WANT ‫TO WRITE FICTION.
‫THREE, I COULDN'T ‫WRITE FICTION.
‫AND FOUR, I COULDN'T ‫WRITE THE FACTS
‫WITH AN AUDIENCE.
‫SO WHEN IT CAME TO THE BOYS, ‫I HAD NO REGRETS.
‫IF I HADN'T TRUSTED ‫MY INSTINCTS,
‫I WOULD'VE MISSED OUT ‫ON SOME AMAZING
‫AND INCREDIBLY PAINFUL ‫EXPERIENCES,
‫EXPERIENCES THAT ‫MADE ME WHO I AM
‫AND PAVED THE WAY ‫FOR WHO I'D BE.
‫GOOD, BAD, OR UGLY, ‫I WAS GOING TO GO WITH MY GUT.
‫IF A DO-OVER ‫WASN'T AN OPTION,
‫MAYBE A START-OVER WAS.
‫AND I FINALLY KNEW ‫WHO IT WOULD BE WITH.
‫BUT WHY WAS I TELLING ‫THE PUBLIC AT LARGE?
‫IT SHOULD BE PRIVATE.
‫HI.
‫NEXT ON AWKWARD...
‫SPIN THE BOTTLE, IT WAS A ‫REQUISITE RITE OF PASSAGE.
‫THE BOTTLE DIDN'T KNOW ‫WHAT I WANTED, BUT I DID.
‫REMEMBER, ‫ALL GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE
‫ARE CLOSELY FOLLOWED ‫BY SOMETHING BAD.
‫THE OTHER SHOE IS POISED TO DROP ‫AT ANY MOMENT.
‫both: SURPRISE!
‫- EVER HEARD OF A KNOCK?